Tag Archives: divorce

Unrealistic Expectations

6 Jan

Thirty years..thirty years of tunnel vision, busting my tail trying to prove myself, believing in other people’s pipe dreams, carrying their vision, being taken advantage of . . . hoping that someday it would all pay off. What did I get in return? Zilch, nada, nothing but dust, dirt, headaches, hernias, arthritis, the list goes on and on.

I got paid a good wage but for some reason my dreams never materialized.

I was raised to, “Stick with what you know” to, “Become an expert in your field.” That’s all well and good but I’ve been trying to do it all in my own strength instead of trusting God with my future.

These past couple of years have been quite revealing. I’ve learned a lot about myself and I’ve finally figured out that my struggles haven’t been with my level of expertise or not meeting the, “right people.” I’ve been heading in the wrong direction. The more I smash the throttle the faster my wheels spin but I just wasn’t going anywhere because I was chasing the wind, dragging around a dead dog on a leash.

I had my own vision of what my career should look like by now. I figured the more detailed it was in my mind, the better the outcome would be, but wood floors were just meant to carry me to this point . . . not all the way home.

I know lots of older guys that are still struggling in the industry. I’m just glad I was able to let go, I’m finally gaining traction.

Sometimes believing in God is the easy part. Believing in his plan for our lives is often much harder. That requires trust in him. Not just in his existence but in his ways, his word, and his promises. That can seem like such a tall order for us when life is spinning. But part of being a Christian is committing our lives to following him, wherever that may lead us. When we trust that He will guide us safely along life’s path, we can walk confidently all the way home.

Read more here

Advertisements

God is Faithful

26 Dec

Just an update . . . that new job I started last week, what an opportunity! I had a gut feeling it was gonna work out, but talk about pressure. I was right up against the wall!

For the past few years I’ve been dealing with severe chronic pain. Due to the nature of my particular field of expertise, unbeknownst to me, I’d developed arthritis in my hip. I thought it was more of a muscular issue than a skeletal one. I figured that stuff didn’t happen until you were in your sixties.

Initially it was more of a dull ache than anything else, but one day it got to the point where I couldn’t work anymore, I could hardly walk without a cane.

I was cleaning up the yard at my place of employment when out of nowhere it felt like someone stabbed me in the leg. The pain was unbelievable! The next day I went in for x-rays and discovered the underlying problem.

It was devastating.

I was recently divorced, I had no insurance benefits and now that the issue was exposed it was a, “pre-existing condition.” I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t even earned enough points to receive disability benefits, because for years I’d been trying to get various businesses off the ground so my wife could stay home (I’m an entrepreneur at heart). Over time I went through my savings just to survive, until I was flat broke.

Things looked bleak, that’s actually when I began writing Boundless Devotion.

I went to a pain clinic and got some relief but as it is with many of these kinds of situations, I became dependent on the medicine. I suppose that’s just a fancy way of saying addicted.

I was now trapped in a piercing enigma. It was all I could do just to trust God, read the Bible and hope for a positive outcome.

Eventually I was able to lay down the meds (thank God) and began a physical therapy regiment I’d found on YouTube of all places lol. Not long after a friend of mine offered me a partnership deal of sorts in his business (I mentioned it last week) but it just never worked itself out practically speaking.

Now finally, after almost three years, the Lord has shown Himself to be that friend that, “sticks closer than a brother.”

I was always a lover of God and souls. His word truly has been, “a lamp unto my feet” since the kids were little, but I’ve had my share of battles with the flesh and to be honest, was in need of some serious spiritual intervention. The problem is, my ego has a tendency to hold me captive at times.

I see all this as God’s discipline, He’s been using it to draw me closer to Himself. As a result of His faithfulness and His excellent craftsmanship I’m now entering a new phase in my life.

Oh, and the ex and I are talking again. 😉

I know a lot of you have been praying for me lately, thank you.

Psalm 51:6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart. 7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. 9 Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Why Are You Cast Down, O My Soul?

17 Dec

Lately I’ve been facing some real challenges. I had something worked out with a friend of mine, we were gonna be partners in my given industry. However work has been sparse; hard to come by.

My mobility is limited nowadays so I don’t have a whole lot of options anymore. Going into business seemed to be the ticket, but it hasn’t been working out as planned so I’m looking at my options.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with anxiety, it’s enough to keep you up at night.

I think about the future a lot and it scares me to be honest. I thought I’d be a lot farther than I am right now at my age. But when I think of the yet unfolding tragedies this past year with the hurricanes, the tremendous suffering people are experiencing all over the world, I’m reminded that I’m not doing too bad.

Then I read the scriptures and recall God’s faithfulness to me.

Lord help me to trust You, give me Your perspective, help me to see the world through Your eyes.

For Your glory..

I love the book of Psalms, it’s pregnant with meaning. It’s like going to prayer school.

Psalm 42:7 Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. 8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

“Country”

13 Dec

A few years ago after my divorce, I bought a piece of property by a lake in Beech Grove, Tennessee. It was out there . . . almost what they call, “primitive.” It took almost an hour for me to get to work, but it was mine. The plan was to build a pile of money, we had a bunch of work coming, but somebody outbid my boss and we lost the account.

It was the middle of winter, and it was cold . . . in more ways than one. The peace and quiet was great, but I was alone out there, more alone than I’d ever been in my entire life. I learned a lot about myself during that time.

It was just an old shack I planned on fixing up. There wasn’t any power or running water and without income, I was in a constant state of desperation. I was trusting God but I remember countless times, crying out to Him, trying to understand why He’d put me there. It was a truly humbling experience.

Then one day an old dog showed up out of the blue, he had battle scars all over him. I shared my meal and he decided to stick around.

After a little while I had to put out the fire so he eventually followed me inside. You could tell he didn’t quite know how to function as a house dog, but he was grateful to come in out of the cold.

Work picked up a little but it was nothing to brag about. In between jobs I had to drive down the mountain just to get internet service, hoping maybe to land different employment or a day labor gig here and there. He had free reign but he’d always be there in the morning to send me off and be waiting for me when I got home.

I called him country.

The time came that I had to make a decision to tough it out or change plans; I was down to my last hundred and twenty-two dollars, and needed a throttle cable for my truck. I would have stayed but I had no choice, and I couldn’t take him with me.

I felt awful, we’d both already been abandoned, now I was doing it to him again. But he was familiar with grief so I figured he’d be alright.

Once I got situated I went back up there and stayed the weekend. I called out to him every once in a while hoping he’d come around, but I think he found his way into somebody else’s heart.

Thank God for dogs.

Increase My Hunger

8 Dec

Outreach has always been a key component to my Christian walk, ever since I can remember. But over the last few years, the passion I used to have to, “reach the world with the message of the gospel” has died down to ember status.

My appetites for church and scripture are still intact; God is sustaining me, but the fervor I once had is restrained at best.

It kinda scares me to be honest, I want to finish well.

Lord, increase my Hunger for You, help me to fall in love with you all over again, deepen my study and my prayer life, draw me back to Yourself.

Psalm 40:11 As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!

waiting..

Contemplating Divorce

6 Dec

I’ve been divorced for a few years now. It was brutal, I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. Fortunately I don’t have many regrets, I went down swinging.

People will tell you that staying together, “for the kids” is never a good idea. I understand the argument but I’ve lived it and my advice to you is this (as long as there aren’t any safety concerns or serious adultery issues) . . . what better reason is there?

It was hard at times there’s no denying that, but I’m grateful for the privilege. Once that window of opportunity shuts, there’s no going back.

If you’re still in the contemplative phase, here’s some tips from Psychologist and Author James Coleman from his book [IMPERFECT HARMONY]

*I will stop looking to my partner as a source of intimacy for now, and maybe forever more.

*I will grieve the loss of the marriage I thought I’d have, and stop bemoaning what I’m not getting from my partner.

*I will work hard to develop my life because that will be the best remedy for resisting my partner’s negative pull on me, or my destructive need of him or her.

*I will work to examine my counter-productive beliefs about marriage as being central to my happiness.

*I will work to keep the tone of my household calm and in control because that is what’s best for my children and me. While I don’t have control over my partner’s behavior, I have control over my own.

*I may have to accept that sex with my partner will be rare, non-existent, or less satisfying than I would like.

*I will give up my addiction to being right.

*I will stop hoping that my partner will change and will stop pushing him or her to change.

Regardless of whether or not you stay together, it’s not just about you anymore. You’re a parent, and that will never change.

Invest copious amounts of emotional capital in your children no matter what’s going on in that house. Just because you guys can’t get your act together doesn’t mean they don’t deserve your full and undivided attention. It’s not their fault.

They need us more than you may think.

Create memorable moments, one-on-one, with each of them. Look for things to praise them for, opportunities to talk and more importantly to listen.

They need a map, you’re it.

Click here to read more

%d bloggers like this: